Becoming II

what did he sit you down and explain to you that you were nothing and would be nothing and therein lay your greatest strength laid sleeping in your crib and you'd never feel not really feel separate and distinct and lonely ever again no fear of solitude did it paralyse you kept awake all night staring at ceilings dark did you weep? were you a child prone to fits and starts groaning banging head&hands against the wall & did you learn to speak or did your eyes seek reflections out by your feet? strong back yes did you chop wood, carry loads? stronger stomach they could count on you yes to fold the little paper flags inked italic around the pins after they had cracked ribs open and flushed away the staining and they'd watch you lean over meticulous and polite & place just there point down puncture not more than a centimetre deep (smattering of applause) did you hear it or did you count the veins in your hands or the still bundles wrapped neatly in her stomach - weren't the little toes perfectly formed faces hairless closed eyes so sweetly in that sleepless state when you peeled them back so careful after the cat got her but didn't you cry for the darlings?

how can you sit so calm in someone else's skin? I still can't read your mind and there is nothing left to tie you down not language not name or face ageless mutable seamless you might be perfect you might yet be perfect you will be perfect do you even have a brain do you dream? what visions fill the frozen space behind the memory of your eyes what do you dream? does he still speak to you alone in that bluewashed sky mein liebe kinder you are not bound to yourself asche zu asche he ripped you apart you've infected me dearest you've sunk into me and I never know which face you'll smile out of can never count the grinning teeth when they held you over the sink and shattered your jaw but they were scum and couldn't see flesh masquerading as flesh gripped your shirt sneered and you tasted his blood in your mouth - was your tongue red stained after all these years with that powerful sweetness richer darker than any before sent your nerves reeling drunk & delirious & couldn't stop wouldn't stop - and felt spine bristle and smiled

--What the fuck? In a public fucking bathroom? You have to be fucking kidding me. And now the pack's half gone. Who's gonna fucking tell him?--

and he didn't harm you no not much you learnt the words well I will not compromise I will not fail god&father&teacher&friend listen to him as the meat listens to you let it lead you strip back start with a finger a little one. you knew the theory.
no tools not this time you remember the first word start with the first word
it got easier each time patterned inside&out